The great state of Tex-afornia

For Trevor

Dear Trevor,
I am sorry for so many things. I knew to some extent the demons you fought in your mind, yet I was too busy for you more times than I could count. I am sorry for making fun of your lack of social skills behind your back. I am sorry for not showing you love. If attention is what you needed, you didn't find it in me. If Christ's compassion and tenderness is what you craved, you couldn't get it from me. If loneliness was your constant companion, I didn't take its place. Although I could say that I wasn't the friend you needed, I still wanted to make you feel good. You were so quiet at times that I fear I had no memories of you. It angered me last night that I could hardly remember that you lived with me. But those memories are flowing now. I called you "T-Bone" and I knew you smiled every time I said it. I remember playing catch with you outside our apartment. I remember listening to you spout off the scripture you'd been memorizing. I remember going to Beach Reach, lake Texoma, and Pine Cove. I remember late night relationship talks. I remember that you were always there at College Crew and the times we discussed the book of Ruth. Oh God, how I am thankful that I remember. I am thankful that I can see your smile in my mind. I wish you could have seen that smile for yourself.

I don't know why you took your life. I can't understand your pain. I know Christ, though angered by your selfish act, has welcomed you into His arms. Your soul is fully complete now. Your demons are taken away. One day we will meet again, but of us fully formed and I will be able to see you as you were truly meant to be. I loved you T-Bone...I loved you T-Bone.

Kevin

Last night I found out that a friend from college committed suicide this past weekend. As you can imagine this is quite a shock for both Kara and I. We spent a lot of time with Trevor over the years. He was a tortured soul, constantly battling depression and loneliness for many years. At times I showed great love for him. Other times I made fun of him behind his back. During this past 14 hours I have been reminded of my own selfishness and cruelty and have been angered by these sins in my own life. Please pray for his family who are catholic and may very well hold that the sin of suicide is unpardonable by God. While I believe otherwise, this must be excrutiating for them.

posted by Kevin @ 10:17 AM