The great state of Tex-afornia

Utah Bound
I leave for Utah this afternoon. I don't know what these next few days are going to be like. I know my dad's family doesn't get a long. My dad hates his dad and sisters. They never talk. Me, my brother, sister and parents are going to be together for the first time in a while. All this and I am supposed to grieve for my grandmother...I am not even done grieving for Trevor yet. I still see him in my dreams every once in a while. I guess what bothers me the most is that I really longingly want to comfort and minister to my family. I want them to feel the love of Christ. That's not preaching, but honest to goodness Christ comforting.

Oh, Lord I feel so insignificant, so feeble. I am no good at helping my family see you. Every time I try I see them back away. Father, bring my family into your family. My heart aches to see that my parents have no hope, not only for the future life, but for the life of today.

Kara read me something from our Celtic Prayer book the other day that talked about the sin of the world being unbelief. If that is the case then I am a sinner on par with the Stalins and Pol Pots of this world. I don't believe God will save my family. That is my sin, that is my unbelief. I long for times when I can go to my dad and say, "Isn't God good?" It's more than seeing my earthly father in heaven. It's about feeling close to him now. But frankly my hope is waning. I'm not the most consistent of prayers with regard to this, but I keep coming back to it. With all these funeral I realize that my time with my parents is slowly drawing to a close. I want these last years to be the best they can be, but I fear they will not.

"Lord, I believe, but help me in my unbelief."

posted by Kevin @ 10:21 AM